How to be a Safe(r) person for people with PTSD

I am writing this article as a survivor, with complex post-traumatic stress disorder. I am not a trained ‘professional’ and I did not study psychology, but through my experiences it became necessary for me to learn what was happening in my brain and body. This article may contain triggers. Please read with care and seek support if you need.

There are not many people I have met in activist spaces that have not experienced some form of trauma. We either come tho the movement with trauma or we are traumatised in our interactions with police and counter protests or even from each other. Knowing how we can support care for each other with these experiences is crucial for the overall health of our movement

Being a safe person is more than just calling your self safe.

What you can do is become informed on what trauma is and how it affects people. Exactly the same as we would act to support a friend with a broken leg.

Here is a good video to get you started

If the person is a friend or someone in your close circle you could ask about their triggers, what happens when they are triggered (do they freeze, dissociate, get angry etc) and tools they use to re-regulate so you are ready to support this. People may not have the answers to those questions yet, and that’s OK.

What are triggers? When something reminds a person of their trauma they may get a flash back memory and their whole body might feel as if it has been transported back into that moment. People will commonly talk about the flight, fight, freeze, and fawn responses here, but I always find this to be overly generalised. As in the video, understanding what is happening in the brain, for me, is more important. It was once explained to me like this: when triggered the rational part of the brain that can think clearly and make decisions goes offline and the emotional part of your brain takes over. Metaphorically, this means that just when you need it the most the adult leaves the room and you are left with a screaming toddler to try and deal with what is probably a tricky situation (screaming toddlers are unpredictable and will react in a variety of ways). Before the rational part of the brain comes back online, you have to sooth the toddler. I like to give mine a cookie and a nap. Like big T, Trauma (big events that have a lasting impact) and little t, trauma (smaller events that can also build up over time to have a lasting impact), I have decided that there are also big T Triggers, the ones that completely dis-regulated your nervous system and can take weeks or months to re-calibrate and the little t triggers, which can dis-regulate you for a couple of hours or days.

Talking about trauma is tricky. Some people might want to talk about it and some people won’t. That’s OK. Nobody owes you their story.

Knowing if you are available to hear it is really important. If you are not in a space to hear and sit with someone’s trauma it is important to say so. Admit that you don’t have the capacity to support the person in this way right now or ever. But that this does not diminish your care and support for them.
A person sharing their trauma is not an invitation to share yours back as this can diminished or deflect, rather than validate their experience. You might indicate that you have a similar experience to show you understand and they are not alone without going into details and maybe share more of your experience another time if it is appropriate.
It is also important when talking about their trauma to only use the words they have used so as not to define the trauma in a way that is uncomfortable or potentially further traumatizing them. For example, if a person tells you they were ‘hit’ and you use the words ‘assault’ or ‘beaten up’, this has the potential to intensify the experience. Likewise, using words that minimize a person experience is invalidating. Listen carefully and ask how they feel about the experience rather than making assumptions.
Avoid telling a person to just get over it or that other people have experienced worse. Be patient, listen and validate there experience. A person may need to talk about what happened several times to help them to process what has happened. If you need a break, gently set clear boundaries around your capacity to offer support. This helps to let the person know that you care for them but also need time to care for your self.

Being available for co-regulation of emotions (in crisis). This is a big ask and we can’t all be available for this all the time as it requires us to be in a good space ourselves.

Regulating emotions or self soothing can be one of the big difficulties for people with PTSD or C-PTSD.

Having safe people we can regulate with is key to learning these skills ourselves.

Emotional regulation looks different for different people and we may need different things at different moments. Ask what a person feels like they need in that moment. Having different tools to offer is a bonus

Sitting together in silence (practice your own breathing and relaxation to help the energy in the room)
Listing (options to offer solutions and/or validation).
Story telling as distraction (one of my favourites).. Make sure to pick an appropriate story
Offer grounding techniques I.e. counting colours, counting sensations

In the days following a trigger, recovery looks more like helping to re-regulate the nervous system. Hopefully the person will know what works for them but here are some suggestions.

Light Coffee dates
Space for the person to process alone
Walks in nature

Being there for repair when rupture occurs. Rupture is an inevitable part of any relationship. But for people with PTSD or C-PTSD this rupture can be triggering of all the emotions and fears from their past experiences. Emotions that may seem way over the top for the situation but are nether-the-less very real for them. This does not mean, not holding the person accountable for their actions, but understand why they might be reaction this way.

De-centre your self from their emotions and understand that they are not all about you or the situation. Hold empathy for the person’s past experiences and give time and space for the person to regulate their emotions before beginning the process of repair. Repair is not just one person apologizing but both people recognizing their faults and being willing to work to change them. This process make take several attempts as the person may become triggered again during the process and will have to take time out before trying again.

Community can play an important role in healing trauma. I have read that, in cultures beyond of the west, that have not been swallowed by neoliberalism’s individualism community is the site of healing. I have not had the pleasure of experiencing these cultures but I think it is something to do with belonging.

I have been thinking for a long time about the practices that groups can do after actions to help prevent trauma from having lasting impacts on the group and individuals.

Debriefing after the event is one important step that I know towards this. Opening up space for people just to talk about how they are feeling not just leanings from the action.
Being available to restore a sense of safety as soon as possible. This means knowing your group and knowing what everyone needs to feel safe.
Having a dedicated person or team to provide support (food, water, first aid, chants, songs, words of love and encouragement) to those arrested during the arrest process, transport and outside the police station. This wrap around support needs to continue for anyone charged during the action.
(I plan to write about this further in a future article.)

Beyond actions groups can also work together to make sure that people are supported, believed, and given the space to heal and flourish. Having a tool kit for everyone in your group (not just) those who have experienced trauma. In it list what activates them, what soothes them and what makes them feel safe. Some peoples lists will be more detailed than others and these list will probable change. So make time to check back in.

I have been thinking for a long time about the practices that groups can do after actions to help prevent trauma from having lasting impacts on the group and individuals.

Debriefing after the event is one important step that I know towards this. Opening up space for people just to talk about how they are feeling not just leanings from the action.
Being available to restore a sense of safety as soon as possible. This means knowing your group and knowing what everyone needs to feel safe.
Having a dedicated person or team to provide support (food, water, first aid, chants, songs, words of love and encouragement) to those arrested during the arrest process, transport and outside the police station. This wrap around support needs to continue for anyone charged during the action.
(I plan to write about this further in a future article.)

Be patient. Healing from trauma is a non-linear process. There will be good days and bad days and lots of set backs. What it means to be healed will also look different for everyone to. It is important that the person has full agency over their healing process. All you can do is be patient and let them know you are there for them.

People are more than their diagnosis. Alongside the pain their is all the capacity for joy and love as everyone one else.